The Beauty in Weakness

It’s been a LONG time since I wrote on my blog as sort of a journal entry.  I say sort of because I would never write on here exactly everything I would write in my personal journal {or would I?}  However, an online friend of mine has reminded me of the value of doing so.

A voice in the back of my mind is always telling me, “people don’t want to hear about you.  They don’t want to hear about your struggles, your imperfectness.”  “I don’t blame them,” I say/think back to the voice in my mind.  I guess part of the problem is the way I use other blogs.  I use/read blogs as motivation or inspiration…to make me better.

Unless I truly know a blogger, whether by meeting them in person at a conference or by getting to know them on their blog/online, I tend not to read personal posts about a blogger.  Mainly it’s a time thing.  I limit the amount of time I’m online {because I’m trying to keep a balance.}  I’m pretty sure I spend way too much time on my blog posts as it is…trying to make them just right.  {For some reason I haven’t learned that the posts I spend the least amount of time on are the ones that receive the most traffic.  It doesn’t make sense to me.  It’s just me & my personality, I guess.}  Anyway, after doing this I don’t have a lot of patience to stay at the computer.  Besides, I have a household and family to manage.

Speaking of managing a household…mine is a mess.  Ever since my housekeeper quit, it’s been difficult to keep up.  Even so, I can’t seem to pick up the phone and call some recommendations from others I have received.  I need to.  You see, it is my weekly visit from the housekeeper that motivates me to get my rear in gear.  It’s an ADD thing.  I hate to feel as though I’m making an excuse but, it is what it is.

It was my very first housekeeper years ago after having my second child {once a month back then} who helped me realize I had ADD.  This is the deal.  The housekeeper is supposed to be helpful to a Mom; doing household chores to help alleviate some tasks needed to be done.  For me, I dreaded her coming.  Why?  Because I had to clear the clutter, before she came over, so she could clean.  I would run around the house like a chicken with my head cut off not only before she arrived, but also while she was there.  I wasn’t sitting on the sofa relaxing and reading a magazine.  I was always just as winded as her when she left the house.  After a few months of her observing me, she recommended a housekeeping/organizing book for me to read.  The book had a whole chapter on ADD.  After reading the book and talking about it with a professional, I received the diagnosis of Inattentive Attention Deficit Disorder.  It has been liberating to realize why I do the things I do.  Medicine has been a lifesaver, but it doesn’t always make the frustration any better of my incapability to finish projects, say things out loud that I shouldn’t,  being oversensitive and the list continues.

I still have to clear the clutter before a housekeeper comes over.  Nothing is new there.  However, it is a motivator to do it.  And since that motivator has not been here…well, I should be very well aware my house is going to be a little cluttered.  Problem is,  if I let it go too long, let the clutter pile up, which is what I have done, the monster I hate comes.  The monster I’m referring to is called Overwhelmed.  When he comes it’s hard to know where to begin.  Do you know this monster?  I can’t stand him.  However, it’s my own fault.  I pretty much invited him in.  Thus begins the shame cycle I inflict on myself.  This only snowballs into depression and boy am I realizing I need to make some phone calls!

I am struggling right now NOT to push the delete key and erase this whole post as the voice in my head says, “No one is going to read your blog now.  They know you’re a failure.  They know your weaknesses.  They probably stopped reading this post when you said how you don’t like to read other blogger’s personal posts. {reminder: bloggers I don’t know}  That was rude, you know.”  So if you have read thus far, please know I was not trying to be rude.  I was only trying to explain myself.

Honestly, I would love to read other blogs all day and leave a comment of encouragement for each one.  I hardly ever read a post and not comment because that is who I am.  Reason is…YOU are a person.  You have value.  You aren’t just words.  I don’t comment in the hopes you come visit my blog and comment…even though I completely welcome that.  I comment because I know the power of how uplifting it is for me, personally when someone takes the time to say something, however small.  It is a conversation between 2 people.  Connecting is important to me.

Have you noticed how random I’ve been in this?  How I go from one topic to another?  Yep, another sign of my weakness.  Just yet another reason NOT to do this very often.

Back to my online friend I spoke of earlier.  Yesterday, I visited Angela’s blog, Button Bird Designs, in hopes of finding a craft I could work on.  I was in need of some crafting therapy.  She is crazy talented and always inspires me with her artistry, creativity & thinking outside the box.  Angela authentically shared her thoughts about how she sees herself.  I was caught off guard at how similar thinking I have engaged in.  Then I read the comments and instantly thought, “I’m not alone.”  Comfort.

There is beauty in sharing with others our weaknesses, in being authentic, open and honest.  To me it is like a breath of fresh air.  None of us are perfect.  We all have trials, struggles, weaknesses.  To me, it’s way better to know up front if a person is trying to be real and not cover up their faults.  I feel way more comfortable with someone who is this way, then with someone who is trying to cover up or hide what they aren’t good at.  A friend once told me, “With you, it’s what you see is what you get.”  I took that as a compliment and still do.

All photos were taken today.

This is me,