The Up’s & Down’s Of Being A Mom

I’m having a hard time.

Being a Mother is such an emotional roller coaster ride.

When our kids are small they need so much of our attention and help.  I remember wanting some breathing time.  {Happens when all 3 have colic}

I recall my firstborn’s first day of Kindergarten.  I wasn’t sad.  I was happy for this first in her life.  To be honest, I was glad to have only one child at home for a little while.  As I walked out of the school I witnessed other Kindergarten Moms teary eyed as they dropped off their kids.  I somewhat questioned myself, “Why am I not sad? Am I a bad Mom because I’m not crying?”

I had the same experience when I took my second child to Kindergarten.

It wasn’t until I took my third child to Kindergarten that I felt sad.  The tears flowed freely after I dropped her off.  It was sad because she is our baby, our last child.  {We are not planning on having any more children.}  It’s not because she is my favorite.  I knew as a Mom, this was the last time I would be dropping off a child to go to Kindergarten.  I don’t know if other Mom’s feel this way, but I tend to treasure each and every first with my third child because I know it is the last time I will experience it.  Does that make sense?

Back to the present…my first born will be a Senior in High School this year.  Instead of being happy for this first in her life, I am a basket case.  The thought of her leaving to go to college is overwhelming me with sadness.  Her going to college is not the same as her going to Kindergarten.  I won’t see her after school and on weekends.  The university she wants to attend {& we support} is in another state.

She hasn’t left yet, so why am I upset now?  Well, in a way, she has left.  She is a typical teenage girl.  She spends most of her time in her room.  When she is with the family she is on her phone staying connected to her friends via social media.

This is the deal, she used to want to do things with me.  Now when I want to tag along, it cramps her style.  I know this phase is normal {I hate that word} for teenagers.  Molly S. said it well in response to something I wrote on Family Brings Joy’s Facebook page: “It could be a normal phase of needing to separate more in order to create a stronger independent self. Tweens, teens & young adults crave space to be & do away from parental interjection. It could be that simple.”

Many times she lets me know… in so many words… how embarrassing I am to her.  She has pushed the limits on our rules more than ever this past year.  In return, we are giving consequences more than at any time in her life.  I have become the ‘bad guy’ in her eyes.  She has become a Daddy’s girl because he is the softie in our parental unit.  Seldom do we {my Daughter & I} have long conversations or pleasant ones at that.  When I try to make conversation she thinks I am interrogating her.  Sigh…

All of this may not be out of the ordinary where parenting teens are concerned; however, to put it bluntly, it sucks!  I hate it.  It feels horrible.  As a Mom’s point of view, I look at how there is very little time left to spend with our girl.  I know this year will fly by.  If I feel this way with my first child, I can’t bear to think how I will feel with the other 2.

A note to my own parents: please don’t say anything about how familiar this all sounds…I know. 😉

Writing Therapy,

The Beauty in Weakness

It’s been a LONG time since I wrote on my blog as sort of a journal entry.  I say sort of because I would never write on here exactly everything I would write in my personal journal {or would I?}  However, an online friend of mine has reminded me of the value of doing so.

A voice in the back of my mind is always telling me, “people don’t want to hear about you.  They don’t want to hear about your struggles, your imperfectness.”  “I don’t blame them,” I say/think back to the voice in my mind.  I guess part of the problem is the way I use other blogs.  I use/read blogs as motivation or inspiration…to make me better.

Unless I truly know a blogger, whether by meeting them in person at a conference or by getting to know them on their blog/online, I tend not to read personal posts about a blogger.  Mainly it’s a time thing.  I limit the amount of time I’m online {because I’m trying to keep a balance.}  I’m pretty sure I spend way too much time on my blog posts as it is…trying to make them just right.  {For some reason I haven’t learned that the posts I spend the least amount of time on are the ones that receive the most traffic.  It doesn’t make sense to me.  It’s just me & my personality, I guess.}  Anyway, after doing this I don’t have a lot of patience to stay at the computer.  Besides, I have a household and family to manage.

Leftover's from Playroom Closet Organizing sitting on the stairs

Speaking of managing a household…mine is a mess.  Ever since my housekeeper quit, it’s been difficult to keep up.  Even so, I can’t seem to pick up the phone and call some recommendations from others I have received.  I need to.  You see, it is my weekly visit from the housekeeper that motivates me to get my rear in gear.  It’s an ADD thing.  I hate to feel as though I’m making an excuse but, it is what it is.

THE book

It was my very first housekeeper years ago after having my second child {once a month back then} who helped me realize I had ADD.  This is the deal.  The housekeeper is supposed to be helpful to a Mom; doing household chores to help alleviate some tasks needed to be done.  For me, I dreaded her coming.  Why?  Because I had to clear the clutter, before she came over, so she could clean.  I would run around the house like a chicken with my head cut off not only before she arrived, but also while she was there.  I wasn’t sitting on the sofa relaxing and reading a magazine.  I was always just as winded as her when she left the house.  After a few months of her observing me, she recommended a housekeeping/organizing book for me to read.  The book had a whole chapter on ADD.  After reading the book and talking about it with a professional, I received the diagnosis of Inattentive Attention Deficit Disorder.  It has been liberating to realize why I do the things I do.  Medicine has been a lifesaver, but it doesn’t always make the frustration any better of my incapability to finish projects, say things out loud that I shouldn’t,  being oversensitive and the list continues.

This mess has been here for months

More leftovers from Playroom Organizing in the kitchen

I still have to clear the clutter before a housekeeper comes over.  Nothing is new there.  However, it is a motivator to do it.  And since that motivator has not been here…well, I should be very well aware my house is going to be a little cluttered.  Problem is,  if I let it go too long, let the clutter pile up, which is what I have done, the monster I hate comes.  The monster I’m referring to is called Overwhelmed.  When he comes it’s hard to know where to begin.  Do you know this monster?  I can’t stand him.  However, it’s my own fault.  I pretty much invited him in.  Thus begins the shame cycle I inflict on myself.  This only snowballs into depression and boy am I realizing I need to make some phone calls!

I am struggling right now NOT to push the delete key and erase this whole post as the voice in my head says, “No one is going to read your blog now.  They know you’re a failure.  They know your weaknesses.  They probably stopped reading this post when you said how you don’t like to read other blogger’s personal posts. {reminder: bloggers I don’t know}  That was rude, you know.”  So if you have read thus far, please know I was not trying to be rude.  I was only trying to explain myself.

Honestly, I would love to read other blogs all day and leave a comment of encouragement for each one.  I hardly ever read a post and not comment because that is who I am.  Reason is…YOU are a person.  You have value.  You aren’t just words.  I don’t comment in the hopes you come visit my blog and comment…even though I completely welcome that.  I comment because I know the power of how uplifting it is for me, personally when someone takes the time to say something, however small.  It is a conversation between 2 people.  Connecting is important to me.

Past time to file...ugh.

Have you noticed how random I’ve been in this?  How I go from one topic to another?  Yep, another sign of my weakness.  Just yet another reason NOT to do this very often.

Back to my online friend I spoke of earlier.  Yesterday, I visited Angela’s blog, Button Bird Designs, in hopes of finding a craft I could work on.  I was in need of some crafting therapy.  She is crazy talented and always inspires me with her artistry, creativity & thinking outside the box.  Angela authentically shared her thoughts about how she sees herself.  I was caught off guard at how similar thinking I have engaged in.  Then I read the comments and instantly thought, “I’m not alone.”  Comfort.

Top of my dresser...can't believe I'm showing you this.

There is beauty in sharing with others our weaknesses, in being authentic, open and honest.  To me it is like a breath of fresh air.  None of us are perfect.  We all have trials, struggles, weaknesses.  To me, it’s way better to know up front if a person is trying to be real and not cover up their faults.  I feel way more comfortable with someone who is this way, then with someone who is trying to cover up or hide what they aren’t good at.  A friend once told me, “With you, it’s what you see is what you get.”  I took that as a compliment and still do.

All photos were taken today. 🙁

This is me,