My Attempt To Describe Depression

coked to the side familybringsjoy.comDepression is raw.

It’s debilitating…paralyzing.

Sometimes, I think to myself, “I should be used to this feeling,” not that it would change how it feels…how horrible it is.

Depression seems to slow time down while Joy speeds it up.  Oh how I wish it was the opposite.

looking away familybringsjoy.comWhen I am experiencing a bout of depression I feel helpless.

I feel stopped, plugged up, held up like there is no progression.

Like there is nothing I can do BUT feel…and it’s sad.

Chemical depression is not always due to outside influences.  It just happens, no matter what circumstances I’m in.

I have so much to be grateful for.  God has blessed me immensely, yet I feel sad…then the shame wheel starts rolling.  Boy does that make it worse!  It’s honestly better to not think.  Ha!  For me that is impossible.  My mind continuously thinks.

serious familybringsjoy.comThe only thing that brings me hope is knowing this will pass.  My history shows that it won’t be here forever and I am so counting on that.  I wish it would hurry and be done.

I wish it would hurry and be done.

be done depression
We would not know joy without sorrow,

Hurdles Through Life

I have been pondering many subjects lately. Some are weighing especially heavy on my mind.

In the last couple of weeks I have heard from different sources {people} what others think about me. I have mixed feelings about what I have heard. Fortunately, the statements are not hateful, cruel or mean in any way. {There might be negative comments made about me, even though it kills me to think so, just as long as I don’t hear them} This is what I heard:

“She has it made. Her life is perfect. She doesn’t have any problems.”

The “recovering” perfectionist, which is a constant endeavor, part of me was feeling catered to.  I don’t know.  Maybe it’s not just the perfectionist side of me that wants others to think I am perfect or without trials to contend with.  Maybe it is humanity?  Maybe it’s being American?  Don’t we all want to appear as though we have it together?  Isn’t that why so many in our society end up in debt?

The problem I am finding with the above statement is 1.) It’s not true.  No one in this life is immune from trials and tribulations.  I discussed the above statement with my family and you should have heard their feedback.  I’m glad I didn’t take offense to how strongly they disagreed and said those people didn’t know me very well. { it’s true}  It is just because of the hurdles I have knocked down that have made me who I am today. {far from perfect still}  2.) I don’t want other people to think I am perfect.  I can’t believe I said that.  But it’s true.  I believe my main purpose in this life is to help others.  How can I help others if I intimidate them, if they think I am “untouchable.”  I have worked diligently throughout my life to better myself and overcome weaknesses.  In some cases I have been successful at combating uncomely habits.  In other cases, I still struggle and probably will my whole entire life.  Just because I write on this blog about family bringing joy does not mean my family is perfect as well.  I will never claim to be an expert in the field on family matters.  I share what works in our family and what I hope might be helpful in other families.  Studies show when you teach others what you have learned, it reinforces that knowledge into your brain. {Sorry don’t have time to look up sources for this, however I have been taught this in college and many other places}  Plus, again, it goes back to me wanting to help and inspire others.

Let me give you an example of a current hurdle.  Right now I am struggling a great deal with one of my children.  I don’t want to pinpoint exactly which one.  This child displays many behaviors of that of an Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  Both my husband & I hoped this behavior was just a phase and would discontinue.  After 4 years now, we know it is not a phase.  I finally called and scheduled an appointment with a therapist for this child.  I am so tired of the constant arguing.  The negativity and anger that exudes from the child is emotionally draining and causes much contention in our home.  As a Mother, it is difficult to not feel that I am responsible for this outcome.  I have prayed countless days and nights for this to be resolved.  I worry if we don’t get help that it will affect the rest of their life. {Prayers are greatly accepted :)}  I feel a sense of hope now that I have scheduled the appointment.

One more…I suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder.  This is not the outwardly hyperactive form of ADD, it is inattentiveness in my mind.  I didn’t realize I had this until after having my second child.  It became increasingly difficult for me to function and juggle my responsibilities as a Mom.  I was diagnosed with depression earlier in life so I thought I was just dealing with those symptoms.  Gratefully, through the help of a friend and my psychiatrist {yes, I have one} we uncovered this diagnosis.  I am not ashamed to admit I have this disorder in any way someone might admit they have diabetes, etc.  As a matter of fact, it helped me to understand why I behave the way I do and how I can cope.  So through the help of God, therapists, family support, church support, books and medicine I have persevered and will continue to persevere.  I don’t want to use my ADD as an excuse to get away with things.  And I don’t want to make this post about ADD.  I will save writing more about how I endure this hardship another day.  I just want to share some of my imperfectness with you.  Honestly, with both of these disorders, it makes it quite difficult to be “normal,” let alone, perfect.

I’m not sure exactly how I am wanting to wrap this up. {but I need to so I can go run, even though I really don’t want to, ugh…rainy & overcast outside}  Have I explained in an understandable fashion why I have mixed feelings about someone saying they feel I am perfect?  In a way, I am extremely flattered, but in another way it concerns me.  I believe it might be even more difficult as a reader of this blog to see the ‘full me’ because I don’t want to be discouraging with my posts.  I want Family Brings Joy to be a place people come to be ENCOURAGED and INSPIRED.  However, if I come across as being “Betty Crocker” or “June Cleaver” then I feel I am doing my readers a disservice.  I believe in being honest and having integrity.  These are values I strive to live by and teach my family.  If I misrepresent myself, then I am not being true to what I believe.  Please know that I have flaws, struggles, weaknesses just as you and everyone else in this world.  My closest friends and family are well aware of this.  I’m sure they would be happy to share many stories on the matter. {Please don’t air all my ‘dirty laundry’ to the public, loved ones ;)}  All the same, my greatest desire is that in this life I leave a legacy of hope, faith and love.

Endure and be grateful for the ride,

Bad Days Happen

So it’s the first day of October. I double checked the calender to see if it was a full moon. I have been feeling out of sorts. A full moon always does it for me. It’s not until Sunday. It was dark, dreary and rainy this morning, which never helps a sullen mood. Now the sun is out and I can see blue clouds. Yet I still remain down.

I had a x-ray done of my left heel yesterday. It has been bothering me most of the summer and still does. I don’t know what I will do if it comes back as a bone spur, besides cry my eyes out. Most of the time, it results in having surgery and I refuse to have surgery done on my feet. Usually, I am back to running by now since the weather is much cooler. Instead, I have been taking it easy. I am tired of taking it easy. I want to run. Not just because I can’t fit into most my clothes anymore, but because mentally I need it. It helps me feel better on many levels. I can’t even begin to think that my running days are over.

Well, that’s enough pity party on my blog. This is the reason why I don’t blog when I feel awful…it’s too depressing. Hope everyone is having a much better day than me.

Shan