What would you do?

I feel like I have failed as a Mom when it comes to my Son.  We have been to two counseling sessions so far.  First session was together {my Son & I} and the last time we spoke to the counselor separately.

I am supposed to be disciplining less and creating a relationship more.  Apparently there is no need to speak much, or touch, just spend time with him.  Here in lies the problem, my Son doesn’t want to be around me.  Yesterday I asked him to clean his room.  He had been on the wii most of the day.  So I decided I would reach out, spend some time with him, by offering to help clean his room.  This is something I HATE to do more than most things in life.  His room is usually an utter disaster area.  I only have to take one look at it to get completely overwhelmed and exhausted.  However, I thought it might be a good way for us to spend some time together.  {Acts of Service is also my love language.}  I was helping him hang up his shirts that were clean but thrown on top of his dresser.  I look over at him and he has his shirt up over his mouth and nose.  I ask him why.  He says it is because I have lotion on.  He doesn’t like the smell of lotion.  That was it.  I was done.  I told him he could finish hanging his clothes up by himself since it was torture to be around me.  The thing is, I had no lotion on me.  I had just been running that morning while the kids were at tennis and if anything I stank!  I hadn’t had a chance to take a shower yet.  My youngest brought home 2 friends to swim after tennis lessons.  I didn’t have time to hop in the shower while keeping an eye on them swimming.

Today I told him I would take him to the batting cages after dropping off the oldest for drivers ed.  I asked my Son to make sure his baseball uniform was clean for his game tonight.  I went into his room to retrieve more dirty clothes to add to the uniform to make a full load.  The top of his dresser was filled with clean clothes AGAIN.  I asked him calmly and nicely to put away the clean clothes.  In return, I received very disrespectful remarks with a shouting tone of voice.  I told him we were no longer going to go the batting cages.  His mood quickly increased to irate.  “I don’t understand what I did!”  I explain, barely before he interrupts, “I was not being disrespectful!  I did nothing wrong!”  He marches off and hits his Sister on the way to his room slamming the door behind him.

This above scenario is a daily occurrence.  I am yelled at by him every day.  It gets so old.  It makes me feel horrible.  I feel responsible.  What have I done that my Son would treat me this way?  So I think to myself, the counselor would want me to go ahead and take him to the batting cages.  But to me, if I do, then I am telling him it is okay for him to treat me that way.  Unfortunately, I know his behavior will be the same whether I take him or not.  So what do I do?  At this point I am so upset and crying while typing this post.  I don’t feel like taking him anywhere.

What would you do?  What is your advice?

So sad,

Comments

  1. Shan,
    Oh girl, hang in there! I don’t have any advice but I do agree, I would not have taken him to the batting cages either. I hope that things will improve for you and that your son will see that you are trying to be there for him, you are not an enemy but you want to be his cheerleader. What if you wrote him a note? That way you could tell him you love him and maybe say things that you wouldn’t be able to during a conversation. Take care friend! Hugs for you today.

  2. Thank you, Ange. I appreciate your support and friendship.

  3. Yup, no batting cages. Boundaries and consequences. Maybe plan to do something with him spontaneous that you have planned but he doesn’t know. Then there isn’t the looming possiblity that the fun could be removed. Also, maybe give time as an award for doing something well or kind…anything regardless of how small. Maybe if you ask him to write down his favorite things to do just randomly (have all three do it) as a family scrap project or something…then you bank these ideas for rewards for all three kiddos. Just assuming his actions likely may be much smaller to get the spontaneous reward. I all the time think…great let’s go do this fun thing, but first we do x,y, z and sure enough the same thing happens where I have to take the fun thing away because I have almost opened the gate of opportunity to lose the fun…yet I do want my kids to know that we work then play (most of the time 🙂 Pray, seek wise counsel from moms ahead of you in years in this adventure too that you admire how they parent or how their kids behave (aka NOT ME!!!!) He he. I need to find that book I promised you!
    Have a New Kid By Friday by Kevin Leman

    And remember ultimately you are his mom, not his buddy–watch this in your counselor’s advice. They have to learn to respect authority first in our homes to succeed out their in the big bad world 🙂

    See you tomorrow! And yes, Morgan is still rather rosey…a tan rosey, but rosey none the same! She had a blast…much thanks for not showering on Monday to supervise ;0

  4. Monica, oh how I will miss you, girl! I am tired of the very few close friends that live in my town leaving me. Oh boy, here go the water works again. 🙁 You have such words of wisdom, beyond your parenting years. 🙂 Excellent advice! Thank you so much!! Maybe if you find the book before you move I could skim it. Sorry we weren’t able to run this morning. A has a sty in her eye that his been bothering her. I think she needed the extra rest. Talk to you soon.

  5. Dear Shan,
    I know what you’re going through. Being a mom is harder than anything else I do, or have done, and it is constantly kicking my butt. On a lot of days I really don’t enjoy being a mom at all because it is so hard and I feel like I’m doing such a terrible job. One thing I am focussing on is Matthew 25:40–when we serve others, we serve God. Or when I serve my ungrateful children that scream at me all day, embarass me wherever I go, and show no gratitude for all the things I do, I am still serving God. It helps me to serve more willingly and cheerfully. Also, I remember that Heavenly Father picked these kids for me–either they need me for a reason, I need them for a reason, or both. It’s not a mistake that you got the kids you have and I have the ones I have. I know Heavenly Father knows them best and that He can guide us in their care–He has many times for me! I’ll be praying for things to start improving with your son. Things always work out for the best if we keep going and trust in the Lord.
    loveya, Dani

    • What an excellent reply filled with inspiration and wisdom, Dani! You always have a way of putting things into a perspective worth living. I appreciate that immensely! Always helps a Mom feel better knowing other Mom’s are feeling the same way too.

  6. Oh Shan…Sorry you are dealing with this. There is no way I would have taken him to the batting cages either. There needs to be consequences, natural or otherwise, for unacceptable behavior. I’m not sure how old your son is, but it does sound like a challenging situation.
    Coincidentally, I was prepping to post a blog post tonight, about my system with my kids, that works pretty well for us as a family. I just decided I needed one more photo, that I’d rather take tomorrow – then I’ll put the post together, and published. I can’t guarantee it’ll fit your family or needs, but maybe, right? ; )

    • He is 12, will be 13 in the fall. I would love to hear about your system! It must be good, since you are an awesome homeschooling Mom! Can’t wait! Mom’s need other Mom’s to be a sounding board sometimes. Thanks for your support! 🙂

  7. Sara Waters says

    I’m so sorry, Shan! I obviously don’t have any advice yet, but I want you to know that I’m praying for you and for him. Love you!

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