In The Trial of Adversity

trialsThings have been rough lately.

Our family is going through some major turmoil.

I don’t really feel comfortable divulging exact particulars.

This is the reason I haven’t blogged much.

If you are here and reading this, I apologize for bringing the opposite of joy.

 

 

 

Other Emotions,

The Healing Powers of Hope

Why do we have books?

We have books to learn, right?

It definitely depends on the book.

My Story

Scriptures aside, for many years the only books I ever cracked open were nonfiction books.  Still, the category of nonfiction is broad and can include many different types of books.  The books I used to read on a regular basis were considered Self Help.  For the first 14 years of my married life I immersed myself in reading about Organizing, Family, Parenting, Marriage, Home Improvement, etc.  However, included in the nonfiction category are also books that present facts about subjects, like real people, places, and events. Biographies, autobiographies, newspaper and magazine articles, personal and persuasive essays, histories, and textbooks are considered nonfiction writing.

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It was in 2008 where I had my first taste of fiction books.  I realized how these books offered me a way of ‘escaping’ my reality for a short time.  Up until that time, I used television and movies to facilitate my ‘escape.’  So for the last 4 years {again Scriptures aside} I have read 110 books.  Out of the 110 only 4 were nonfiction.  You might say I have made up for lost time, huh?  Let me remind you, several were read by way of audio book format. {You can read more about how I do that here.}  Audio books have made even the most menacing tasks tolerable and sometimes actually enjoyable.

Enough with the history…

Her Story

Instagram photo I took

I shared with you last month how I ordered Stephanie Nielson’s book Heaven Is Here I received this book on June 28th.  I began reading the book on July 24th.  You see, even though Stephanie is my hero…even though I wanted to find out more about what happened in her tragic accident…this book, her book, is a true account of her life.  There would be no escaping reality by reading her book.  Sure, it’s not my reality, yet it is of someone I highly admire and look up to.

I feel it important to relay to you I have never met Stephanie Nielson.  I did not read her blog NieNie Dialogues before her tragic plane crash. {note: she had 200,000 faithful & devoted readers before the accident}  I was introduced to Stephanie and her family when the news hit about her and Christian’s {Stephanie’s husband} accident.  A good friend of mine {thank you Emily} told me about what happened. {I’m not a news watcher.}  My friend thought I might be interested because Stephanie is a blogger and a member of our Church {not our local congregation.}  Not only that, her blog readers were instrumental in saying prayers and raising money to help the Nielsons.

Since the Nielson’s accident I have read her blog, watched her videos and listened to a radio show {interview with Stephanie & Christian} about what happened.  I really don’t want to sound like a broken record and go on and on about how inspiring she has been for me.  The point I’m trying to make here is this 1) Nonfiction hasn’t been my thing lately 2) I knew it would be difficult to read the details of someone I admire share her experience of being burned over 80% of her body.  Thus the reason it took me a while to actually open the book and begin reading.

Once I began reading I thought to myself, “Shan, why did you wait?”  It shouldn’t have surprised me how easy it is to read Stephanie’s story.  There is a reason she has 5 & a half million visitors a day {mentioned in their interview recorded a couple of years after the accident.}  She is a good writer.

The first section of her book/memoir is called Part One and is 11 chapters.  These chapters are about Stephanie’s life before the accident.  More importantly, the strong bonds of the family she came from and the one she has created with Christian.  As I read Part One I learned more about her personality.  There were many instances where I saw, in a way, a younger version of myself.  She talked about how she had short hair and didn’t care if boys don’t like her because her hair was short.  She wanted them to like her for who she is on the inside, not just on the outside.  Plus, like me, she is a hopeless romantic.  This was a surprise.  Just as reading about her and Christian’s courtship was a pleasant surprise in the book.  Their love story is like a fairy tale.  And it definitely does not end after they are married.  They are very much deeply in love, even today.

It was chapters 7-11 that affected me in a way I never saw coming.  These chapters are the Nielson’s happily ever after.  It is the story of how their family came to be.  It is stunningly beautiful.  Their family life is also like a fairy tale to me.

My Story

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In walked the comparison monster. {insert creepy music}  I began to compare my family life now, the one my husband & I have created together to the Nielson’s family life.

I know.  I know.  Comparison is not good.  Besides, a wise person once said, “Never compare someone’s middle with your beginning.”  In this case it would be the opposite.  Never compare someone’s beginning with your middle.

Please don’t get me wrong, I am extremely happy for the Nielsons.  I’m not jealous.  I just wish our family now is a fairy tale family like theirs.

“What?!” you might exclaim.  “The name of your blog is Family Brings Joy.  Doesn’t this mean your family is perfect and happy all the time?”

I wish I could say a resounding “YES!” to that question, but I can’t.  Life doesn’t work that way.

Right now our family dynamic is somewhat tumultuous:

Much Younger Me

I have always dreamed and fantasized of what it would be like when I had my own teenaged Daughter.  It was going to be awesome.  We would have so much fun together all the time.  We would be close.

I hate it when people would tell me how awful it is raising teenagers.  {Especially when my kids were colic babies}  I was determined to prove them wrong.  How could they be so negative?  Don’t they know we young parents don’t want to hear things are going to get bad with our kids.  We don’t want to hear about how they will want to ‘break away’ from the family to express their individuality and all that nonsense.  When we are in the thick of things, we want hope for the future.  Because each stage of our parenthood has a degree of difficulty.  We weren’t given a manual when they were born.  We learn as we go.  Most of the time we do what was modeled in our own families as we were growing up.  Anyway, turns out raising a teenaged Daughter hasn’t resulted in the way I dreamed it would.  And honestly, people telling me that her behavior is normal {hate that word} or not out of the ordinary does not help how I feel.

Raising a Son has been like learning a foreign language.  He’s almost 14 and very smart.  It amazes me all the trivia he has stored in his mind.  However, he lacks optimism and zeal for life.  I’m trying to put a positive spin on him being obstinate, oppositional and defiant.  He gives me the most gray hairs and knots in my muscles.

My youngest Daughter {9} works diligently at trying to make me happy.  Bless her heart.  Because of the older two, I accept her willingness to obey and her cheerful optimism about life.  I do it gladly and somewhat greedily knowing there might come a day that it will end {I still hope not.}  Her smiles and love notes are some times the only things that get me through the day.

My husband has a very demanding career where he puts in a lot of hours.  In addition, he puts in a lot of hours serving as Bishop of our local Church congregation.  One of his hobbies is running.  He currently is training for his 3rd marathon.  Are you seeing where 1+1+1= very little time with the family & I?

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Now put all these people together, including me with all my imperfectness, in the same room.  It is not your fairy tale family.  There is a lot of arguing among the siblings.  The volume of the voices are at a level I do not like.  It does not matter what I do, it doesn’t seem to help.  As parents, my husband & I get emotionally drained refereeing.  I’ve worked diligently at teaching my children values.  I’m not sure you would believe that if you were around them very long.  I’m too tired to share all the ways we have tried to make a change.  Just trust me, there are MANY.

I started thinking, “surely there has been a time in our family where we were happy.”  Sure enough there is and it was when my kids were younger.  I remember my Son running to me, giving me a tight squeeze in the middle of the day and saying, “I love you, Mommy.”  I remember giggles and play-dates with friends.  I remember fun family reunions and vacations.

But, I wish we could still be happy while the kids are older.  Isn’t it possible?

Then comes the light bulb moment…more like a reminder.  We all have trials.  Every family has trials.  Every person has trials.  They are all different.

 

Her Story

Let’s go back to Stephanie.  I have not finished reading her book.  I’m at chapter 18 now.  It is Part Two where she explains what happened in the plane crash and horrendous aftermath.

I wrote the following on my personal Facebook page on July 26th:

I’m stopped at Chapter 15 for tonight. I can’t read anymore. It’s so heart wrenching. I hope I’ll be able to fall asleep after crying. I’m so grateful to know Stephanie’s progress since their accident. Oh my goodness what she went through…

Stephanie’s honesty about her days upon waking from her medical induced coma is difficult for me to read.  It makes me incredibly sad.  My heart feels for her.  This trial she endured {and continues to endure} is something I can not comprehend.  It is difficult to read her words without crying and sometimes sobbing.  This is why I can only read a little at a time right now.

My Story

Look at what I learned about myself while reading only half of this book?

Is it possible that my unhappy family right now, this huge trial for me {I know this might seem like a big stretch} could be likened to the Nielson’s tragic accident?  I mean no offense to anyone, especially not to the Nielsons.  I have not suffered the same physical agonizing pain as they have from being burned on 40-80% of my body.  I definitely don’t want to belittle what they have gone through.  {Don’t worry, I’m not asking for monetary support of any kind. Prayers are always helpful, though.} On the other hand, I have deep emotional ‘burns.’  I believe our Family can be together forever, beyond this life.  Family is very important to me. {Hopefully that is evident in this blog.}  It is agony to not feel unified in our family.  {Stephanie & Christian’s families played a crucial role in their recovery.}  Many times, being the Mother, I feel it is my fault.  This starts the cruel shame wheel that plays, “You’re a failure.” on repeat.  I then go over and over in my mind what I could have done to prevent this.  It’s sometimes easier to think it’s something I have done, so I can feel I have control and be able to make a positive change.  I can control me, not them.  Maybe I’ve been escaping too much to my fiction books and need to dust off those nonfiction ones again?

So is there hope?

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Conclusion

Heaven Is Here‘s sub title is: An incredible story of hope, triumph, and everyday joy It is completely that.  Even though I haven’t finished her book yet, I know how this story in Stephanie’s chapter of life ‘ends.’  She is alive and well.  She just had their 5th child!  She is as beautiful as ever.  She is an inspiration…one of the most positive people I know.  Every time I see a photo she posts on Instagram I am grinning ear to ear for her.  If Stephanie can overcome being burned on 80% of her body.  I can overcome this trial in my life.  She gives me HOPE.

Last but not least, I HOPE after baring this burden, you will not give up on visiting this humble abode of a blog.  This is real life…I believe in families…I still believe families can bring Joy.

Disclaimer:  Once again, I have not been paid by anyone, including the Nielsons, to write this post.

Hope is powerful,

The Beauty in Weakness

It’s been a LONG time since I wrote on my blog as sort of a journal entry.  I say sort of because I would never write on here exactly everything I would write in my personal journal {or would I?}  However, an online friend of mine has reminded me of the value of doing so.

A voice in the back of my mind is always telling me, “people don’t want to hear about you.  They don’t want to hear about your struggles, your imperfectness.”  “I don’t blame them,” I say/think back to the voice in my mind.  I guess part of the problem is the way I use other blogs.  I use/read blogs as motivation or inspiration…to make me better.

Unless I truly know a blogger, whether by meeting them in person at a conference or by getting to know them on their blog/online, I tend not to read personal posts about a blogger.  Mainly it’s a time thing.  I limit the amount of time I’m online {because I’m trying to keep a balance.}  I’m pretty sure I spend way too much time on my blog posts as it is…trying to make them just right.  {For some reason I haven’t learned that the posts I spend the least amount of time on are the ones that receive the most traffic.  It doesn’t make sense to me.  It’s just me & my personality, I guess.}  Anyway, after doing this I don’t have a lot of patience to stay at the computer.  Besides, I have a household and family to manage.

Leftover's from Playroom Closet Organizing sitting on the stairs

Speaking of managing a household…mine is a mess.  Ever since my housekeeper quit, it’s been difficult to keep up.  Even so, I can’t seem to pick up the phone and call some recommendations from others I have received.  I need to.  You see, it is my weekly visit from the housekeeper that motivates me to get my rear in gear.  It’s an ADD thing.  I hate to feel as though I’m making an excuse but, it is what it is.

THE book

It was my very first housekeeper years ago after having my second child {once a month back then} who helped me realize I had ADD.  This is the deal.  The housekeeper is supposed to be helpful to a Mom; doing household chores to help alleviate some tasks needed to be done.  For me, I dreaded her coming.  Why?  Because I had to clear the clutter, before she came over, so she could clean.  I would run around the house like a chicken with my head cut off not only before she arrived, but also while she was there.  I wasn’t sitting on the sofa relaxing and reading a magazine.  I was always just as winded as her when she left the house.  After a few months of her observing me, she recommended a housekeeping/organizing book for me to read.  The book had a whole chapter on ADD.  After reading the book and talking about it with a professional, I received the diagnosis of Inattentive Attention Deficit Disorder.  It has been liberating to realize why I do the things I do.  Medicine has been a lifesaver, but it doesn’t always make the frustration any better of my incapability to finish projects, say things out loud that I shouldn’t,  being oversensitive and the list continues.

This mess has been here for months

More leftovers from Playroom Organizing in the kitchen

I still have to clear the clutter before a housekeeper comes over.  Nothing is new there.  However, it is a motivator to do it.  And since that motivator has not been here…well, I should be very well aware my house is going to be a little cluttered.  Problem is,  if I let it go too long, let the clutter pile up, which is what I have done, the monster I hate comes.  The monster I’m referring to is called Overwhelmed.  When he comes it’s hard to know where to begin.  Do you know this monster?  I can’t stand him.  However, it’s my own fault.  I pretty much invited him in.  Thus begins the shame cycle I inflict on myself.  This only snowballs into depression and boy am I realizing I need to make some phone calls!

I am struggling right now NOT to push the delete key and erase this whole post as the voice in my head says, “No one is going to read your blog now.  They know you’re a failure.  They know your weaknesses.  They probably stopped reading this post when you said how you don’t like to read other blogger’s personal posts. {reminder: bloggers I don’t know}  That was rude, you know.”  So if you have read thus far, please know I was not trying to be rude.  I was only trying to explain myself.

Honestly, I would love to read other blogs all day and leave a comment of encouragement for each one.  I hardly ever read a post and not comment because that is who I am.  Reason is…YOU are a person.  You have value.  You aren’t just words.  I don’t comment in the hopes you come visit my blog and comment…even though I completely welcome that.  I comment because I know the power of how uplifting it is for me, personally when someone takes the time to say something, however small.  It is a conversation between 2 people.  Connecting is important to me.

Past time to file...ugh.

Have you noticed how random I’ve been in this?  How I go from one topic to another?  Yep, another sign of my weakness.  Just yet another reason NOT to do this very often.

Back to my online friend I spoke of earlier.  Yesterday, I visited Angela’s blog, Button Bird Designs, in hopes of finding a craft I could work on.  I was in need of some crafting therapy.  She is crazy talented and always inspires me with her artistry, creativity & thinking outside the box.  Angela authentically shared her thoughts about how she sees herself.  I was caught off guard at how similar thinking I have engaged in.  Then I read the comments and instantly thought, “I’m not alone.”  Comfort.

Top of my dresser...can't believe I'm showing you this.

There is beauty in sharing with others our weaknesses, in being authentic, open and honest.  To me it is like a breath of fresh air.  None of us are perfect.  We all have trials, struggles, weaknesses.  To me, it’s way better to know up front if a person is trying to be real and not cover up their faults.  I feel way more comfortable with someone who is this way, then with someone who is trying to cover up or hide what they aren’t good at.  A friend once told me, “With you, it’s what you see is what you get.”  I took that as a compliment and still do.

All photos were taken today. 🙁

This is me,

Just when you think…

it’s almost over, it’s not. Those of you who read my blog probably already know this news. Just in case you had not heard, our renters moved out of our old house. I haven’t wanted to write much about it because it is a very sore subject for me. There is so much more to this story but I just can’t write about it all. Here’s the condensed version:

My husband & I have worked very hard to get out of debt. We bought a small home when we moved here; knowing we wanted to one day build a home~ just the way we wanted after we paid off some things. The small, old home was a temporary situation for us. We worked diligently to get our finances in order before building a home. I thought, “it’s almost over,” then the economic decline set in while we were building. Once again, I am wondering, as in years past, will we be able to sell this home before we move into our new one? I think to myself, “remember the time you sold your home when your neighbor down the street had a sign up that read ‘sex offender lives here’.” So I have some hope.

We put our home on the market back in October last year. Right around the time our new home was to be completed (about the end of May this year), our realtor calls us about a family moving here wanting to rent our home. I guess our ‘first strike’ was that we should have done a background check on them. But no, we figure, he’s a doctor, he can pay the rent. He signed a two year lease and we agreed to move out of our house earlier than we wanted for them. Our new house was almost completed. Again, I think, “it’s almost over.” We get moved in to our new home, quickly work to clean up the old one before they arrive. One of the most difficult week’s in my life. But I keep telling myself, “it’ll be over soon enough, you will be moved in to your new home and you can begin settling in and making it home.”

If you know me, I was thanking my Heavenly Father that this family wanted to lease our home for two years. We basically only asked what our mortgage payment was. I just didn’t want to be stuck making payments on two houses. This would put us back into debt…the very thing we have worked so hard at avoiding.

The second ‘strike’ or ‘red flag’ should have been when they showed up two days early to move into our home. And the third definitely should have been when they e-mailed me on the original move in date and said they changed their minds and were not moving into our home. As I write this I am feeling like such a schmuck! (sp?) We are more naive than I think we are. Or is it more that we just have kind hearts and want to look for the good in people? What kind of people are they? They signed a legal document saying they would lease from us for 2 years. We were prepared to file a law suit. Two days later, they come back to us. “Can we start all over? We decided we wanted to movie in after all.” I should have said no, hindsight 20/20. Instead, we gave them a second chance, after all, we had a contract. So they stayed there for 2 months and then without any warning they moved out. DH went over to do some work on the basement and he saw them moving their stuff into a UHaul.

We contemplated a law suit again and then decided it wasn’t worth the pain & heartache it would cause. Yes, I know, we are too kind for our own good (literally)! I just know that God is a just God and I would rather He take care of the justice than me. To make a long story short, (didn’t do that well at that, Oh well!) our home is back on the market again. I know it doesn’t do me any good to worry if our house will sell. But how can I not, when each month we have to pay two house payments we go farther away from our goal? So again, I plead with you to pray for us. God works miracles through prayer.

Who knows, you may be reading this and saying, “why should I feel sorry for you? Look at your house, look at what you have?” Let me just say this. Would YOU enjoy what you have knowing you couldn’t pay for it? If you answer yes to this question, then we are exact opposites. When I meet my Maker I want to know that I did my best to not owe money to people.

I know that this life is a refiners fire. There will never be a time when we are not tested or go through trials. It definitely makes the good times, that much sweeter! I just want this trial to be over and move onto different ones. Yeah, be careful what I wish for, I know. I guess as long as we are trying…it counts, huh?

Thanks for reading & praying :),
Shan